You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
