Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm getting married
To pizza
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
