what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
