my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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