I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
