the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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