Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
