dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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