Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize