just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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