So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
