Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize