the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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