elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize