I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
