so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
