By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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