I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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