So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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