I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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