so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I need mimosas to revive my soul
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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