i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
