I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
