I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
