I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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