Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize