i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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