I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
