I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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