I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize