um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
