Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
