Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
the raccoons are back...
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