i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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