Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
