Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
