There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
