we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
