My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
