There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
