Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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