u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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