This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
