I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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