I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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