I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
