I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
