I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
