New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
