Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
