I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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