the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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