i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
