Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
People in love make me want to vomit
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
