well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
