Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Randomize
