He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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