she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
