She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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