puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
