she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
