chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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