I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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