God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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